The Blog Post Where I Tell You What I’ve Learned This Year

I’ve learned a lot of expected things this semester: what Social Security is (and how I’m pretty much screwed in getting any of it), how to create a balance sheet, why people are often attracted to one another, and the difference between civil and criminal law.  All of these things are somewhat useful and obviously help me to do well in my classes, but the most important things I learned were not taught to me in a textbook or through a PowerPoint presentation.

There’s so much wisdom that comes from just living life and going through the different hurdles it throws at you.  I have been stretched in ways I didn’t think possible, ways I didn’t think I’d be able to endure.  If you had told me everything that would happen this year in August I would have either laughed in your face or sprinted in the other direction.  This year has been full of health problems, sleepless nights, hard decisions, relational problems, and what has seemed like never ending car troubles.  Saying it has been a rough year would be an understatement, but now as I’m finishing up finals and getting ready to pack my things for home I can finally say I survived sophomore year (barely).

While I would never want to relive this year for any amount of money, the lessons I learned this year are truly priceless, as cheesy as that is.  I really learned a lot about who I am, what I stand for, how to take care of myself, and how to better approach and deal with hard situations on a personal level.  I feel as if it would be somewhat of a waste to keep what I had learned to myself, so I have decided to compile a list of the most important things I’ve learned for you all.  It’s pretty long but I hope it is worth the read.

You need people.  Most of the time I convince myself that I don’t need anyone else to help me.  I’m a pretty independent person and I feel a whole lot better if I can figure things out for myself.  There have been so many times my stubborn nature has been tested and I have really needed people.  And I’ve learned that needing others doesn’t make you weak.  And thankfully, because I am stubborn, I have people in my life who have reached out to me because they know I need it.  People who take you to Waffle House and buy you ice cream after you’ve heard awful news and can’t stop crying.  People who offer to just go on a drive with you when you’re mad and upset and just need the road beneath you and the right music to sing along to.  People who hear you crying from downstairs and come up to comfort you.  People who are willing to push your car out of a snowy parking lot in the middle of the night.  People who let you cry and vent in the middle of a Steak N Shake because you are just so overwhelmed.  The list goes on.  I am so appreciative of anyone who has done anything, big or small, to encourage me in the past school year.  I honestly couldn’t have made it through this year without learning that others can help me carry my burdens; that’s why I have friends and family to be there for me.

There is great value in a genuine apology.  Other people’s feelings = out of my control.  How I react to them = in my control.  These two facts have been essential to my year.  A lot of the times I may not quite understand why someone is hurt by something I have done, but nonetheless their feelings are hurt and should be acknowledged.  When you truly care about someone you need to make sure they know that you care that they are hurting – especially if you are the cause of it.  Apologies go a long, long way if they are truly heartfelt.

You really can’t do it all.  It was rare for me to go a week without someone telling me that I can’t do it all and to slow down.  I’m not saying this to brag like I’m some kind of super woman, because I’m definitely not.  Many weeks I convinced myself that I could keep up in and ace all my classes, lead Core Group, meet with all of my girls each week, never miss a social event, have free time to do all the things I enjoy, get adequate sleep and never fail to go be what someone needed at any hour of the day.  (Pro tip: this is not possible, at least for me!)  I constantly overbooked my schedule and experienced a lot of the “fear of missing out” and would stay up late (or just not sleep at all) just trying to keep up in my classes.  This made me tired for said classes, thus causing me to nap through social obligations or causing me to be too tired to be all there, which kind of makes it pointless to be there in the first place.  That kind of lifestyle isn’t sustainable, especially because it results in a lot of stress.  I have (for the most part) learned when I need to say no.  There are nights where sometimes I just need to stay home and read or watch TV and spend time by myself.  And that’s okay.

You’re never going to make everyone happy.  I have learned I spend a lot of time thinking about how my actions will effect others.  This is not necessarily a bad thing.  However, I allowed myself to get a lot of fulfillment from it which turns out is actually not fulfilling.  It got the point where I felt like I was analyzing every action I was making and determining how it would affect various people in my life.  I would lay in bed thinking about my day and all the things I should’ve done differently:  people I should’ve texted or checked on, conversations I should or shouldn’t have had, or even silly things like where I sat at dinnertime.  I analyzed to the point where I thought sharing my feelings and struggles would inconvenience people or somehow make them unhappy, which is not healthy.  Not only was I frustrated and distraught when I was unable to make everyone in a given situation happy, I felt very empty because I was giving all of myself to others but not allowing other people to give back to me (which goes back to the whole needing help thing).  Thankfully I have realized this pattern of thinking and the destructive consequences of it and have accepted that I can’t make everyone happy – no one can.  Which leads to…

No one is going to make me completely happy either.  I become easily disappointed in people.  It’s hard for me not to expect them to act the way I would in situations.  I expect people to fill a role they simply are not capable of filling.  People cannot give me love with no strings attached:  people get jealous, people change their minds, people break promises.  We’re human.  I’ve realized I go looking for love so many different places but I am never truly satisfied.  I have realized this is because there is a part of me that craves a love only God can give me and if I continue looking for a love like it elsewhere I will never find it and will always be disappointed.  I have learned to accept love from others but not hold them to an impossible standard and it honestly has improved so many of my relationships.

I’m important.  Not in an “I’m more important than everyone else” kind of way.  I have learned to value who I am and not let other people taint the way I see myself.  I have a bad habit of letting other people make me feel small and insignificant and I’ve learned that that is not something you can accept.  I have learned to love myself and not make decisions that compromise who I am and what I stand for to appease others.  My opinions are valuable and worthy of being heard and I am worthy of being listened to.

Loving people you don’t necessarily like is really hard – but not impossible.  I would say I’m a pretty easy person to get along with, but every once in awhile there are people who pop up in my life who really push my buttons.  In my experience if I let myself get carried away in letting this person get to me (which by the way 95% of the time they don’t know they are) the littlest things can set me off – at least inside my head.  “Oh my gosh they’re wearing that shirt again, why do they wear that shirt, that shirt is actually offensive to me.” “Why would they even say that katchup is their favorite condiment?”  “They just breathed near me, I can’t handle it.”  It’s pretty ridiculous that I can let a person bother me so much that their existence is almost an annoyance to me.  Disliking people is not only a bad thing to do, but it consumes time and energy  I don’t like feeling that way, its exhausting.  And the only way to get over disliking person is to, well, like them.  It all starts with a change of mindset, a lot of prayer (seriously a lot), and honestly trying to find things you like about that person and wishing them well.  There are some people I never thought I would grow to like (or at least tolerate) but it turns out there is good in everyone and no one deserves my often undeserving annoyance.

If you’ve made it this far, congrats!  But seriously thank you to everyone who takes the time to read what I write.  Your support means so much to me and it is amazing to be able to share my life in writing with you all.  Here’s to a great summer – I have some exciting ideas for the summer and I can’t wait to get started on them.

When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Keep Going

Sometimes life isn’t going your way.  You relate more to the smiley poop emoji than you do to the dancing girl in the red dress.  Sometimes you’ve really messed up, sometimes it’s bad timing, and sometimes you’re just out of luck.  However your problems got there, you still have a problems to deal with.  It’s very easy to just want to hide from your problems forever in a big comfy scarf and take endless BuzzFeed quizzes hoping if you don’t think about them long enough they will vanish into thin air.  But guys, pro tip: Don’t do that thing.  It doesn’t work.  Although it may be warm and it is very important to find out things like your Harry Potter soulmate (mine is Percy, seriously?!) or your IKEA spirit name, finding out such things probably will not improve the quality of your life (but they are great distractions).

You may be thinking, “Ugh, Kelly I don’t want to read a serious post about dealing with life.  I like it better when you write about random funny junk and make fun of your life. You’re the worst.”  Well buddy boo, I’m the boss of this blog so sorry boutcha I get to write what I want.  Swerve.

But anyways, I definitely don’t deal with all my problems in 100% the best way.  As you may have gathered, I am a person who hates conflict and confrontation and hopes many of my problems will just go away.  But in the past year, I have learned that this may be quite the character flaw and that growing up seems to involve taking care of things you don’t always want to.  So I’m working towards that.  I don’t think I’m quite there, or even really that close.  But it’s a a work in progress.

There are a few things that have definitely helped me on this journey to facing my problems.  One of them is turning to God and giving Him control over my problems.  This is a very easy thing to say to people and it even sounds good on the receiving end but sometimes as a dumb human I like to think I can try to figure out things on my own (fun fact: I suck at it).  Honestly sharing and giving your problems to an all-knowing Creator of the world sounds like a pretty duh thing to do.  But it is also a very hard thing to do sometimes, especially as someone who likes to feel like they have control of their life.  Clinging to that control seems to result in me putting my hands over my ears to anything God is trying to tell me.

Picture this:  you are the pilot of your own life, but you have no experience flying a plane.  You’re carrying all these people in your plane that you can potentially hurt, including yourself.  But you have the option to put the plane on autopilot (aka let God take control).  God is a pro at flying and will direct your plane a whole lot more smoothly than you will.  But sometimes we hit some turbulence and we forget that autopilot even exists because we are too busy panicking.  We press all sorts of wrong buttons and try to steer the plane ourselves.  Inexperienced pilots crash planes and hurt people, especially when things are going wrong.  Let someone better direct your plane. God can handle the big things, the small things, and the silly things.  And the more and more I put my life on autopilot the more I realize how much better and smarter that actually is.

Something that has really stuck with me the past couple weeks is rereading the story of Jesus calming the storm.  Jesus and his disciples are just chilling on a boat in the middle of a lake when a huge storm hits and waves are coming over the boat.  The disciples got really scared and woke up Jesus telling him that they thought they would drown.  His reply was, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” and then proceeds to calm the storm, leaving his disciples somewhat dumbfounded.  The first few times I read this I was kind of frustrated with the disciples wondering how they could be so dumb.  They had seen Jesus performing all sorts of miracles and had clearly caught on that he was not some ordinary guy.  He has rewarded person after person who has shown an ounce of faith.  He has told them how much God loves and cares about them.  How He takes care of even small creatures like birds, and how much more valuable they are and that God would surely take care of them.  And here the disciples are freaking out thinking that Jesus is going to let them fall overboard and drown or just stand by as the boat sank.  It wasn’t until a few weeks ago while reading this I realized I am no better than the disciples.  I know God loves me, values me, and cares about me.  I know what He is capable of.  But I frequently find myself convinced there is no way that my storm could ever be calmed.  I know He can fix any problem I present to Him.  Where I get stuck is acting upon that truth.  I know giving my problem to God is what I should do, and that through a lot of prayer, a solution will come.  It may (and probably will) take time, likely more than I would like.  It may not be the solution I want or one I could ever think of, but I know it will be a good one, the best one.  The timing will be perfect.  And what I lack is complete faith in those things sometimes.  Jesus wasn’t just asking the disciples why they were so afraid, but me as well.

What am I so afraid of?  Why am I holding back from complete surrender?  Sometimes I can answer these questions.  I’m scared that I won’t like what God does.  I’m scared it’s going to be hard.  Uncomfortable.  That it could cause my life to change.  It’s scary just giving your entire life to someone, especially when it feels like it’s falling apart and you are frantically trying to put it back together.  But it shouldn’t be scary, because you know, it’s God.  He’s kind of the best candidate to give it to.  He doesn’t have bad plans for us.  He’s a smart God.  A fair God.   A loving God.  A God who has a plan.  And in knowing that this process gets easier.  But like I said, it’s a work in progress.

Another thing I have learned is when life isn’t going your way you’re probably going to have a lot of feelings about it.  You may be frustrated, angry, confused, sad, or lost.  Sometimes your problems are going to make you feel like a crazy person.  Unfortunately, a lot of the time emotions are hard to control.  Fortunately, your actions are a bit easier to.  Really taking the time to think before you act on any emotion is probably a very good decision.  Acting out of anger is rarely, if ever beneficial.  Sure it feels good to hurt someone who has hurt you, but it doesn’t make anything better and it certainly doesn’t make you a better person.  We live in a world where it is easy and convenient to hide behind a phone, tweet something nasty, or ignore someone just to spite them.  I wish I didn’t live during a time where this was how people communicated and frequently want to throw my phone into a nearby river, but that is another post for another day.

What I have learned is you can control you.  People aren’t going to react how you hope, how you think, and how you would if you were them.  And that’s okay.  You have the power to show kindness to people who may not show that same kindness to you. You have the power to pray for others and to love them despite what they have done, are doing, or will do.  I once was told that forgiveness isn’t a feeling, but a decision.  You can tell yourself all day long that you aren’t ready to forgive someone.  You may never be ready.  Forgive them anyway.  Holding onto hurt is only weighing you down.  Apologize when necessary and even sometimes when it may seem unnecessary.  Admitting when you are wrong is a powerful and brave thing.  It doesn’t make you weak, it makes you strong and mature.  Try to see the situation from another perspective.  Think before you speak/text/tweet/email/communicate in general.  Show compassion.  Turn your hatred into love, and your anger into passion.  Write.  Sing.  Dance.  Eat something and completely ignore the recommended serving size.  Pursue things and people that make you happy.  You can let everything weigh you down or you can get back up and learn to never make the same mistakes you had before.

Romans 8:18 “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”

God gives us the power, wisdom, and the heart to do these things.  And that’s what I’m asking Him for.  I’m putting Him on autopilot.  I’m not sure where He will take me, but I know it’s far better than where I am.  And I’m ready.