Missing the Point

There’s been a lot of opinions expressed in the past week on Bruce Jenner’s transition to becoming Caitlyn, a lot of them from Christians.  I think a lot of them have been hateful, judgmental, and disrespectful – overall representing Christians as a whole poorly.  It is one thing to share an opinion respectfully, but quite another to do so in a way that will turn away people from Christianity.

There is a huge component of Christianity that most Christians know and believe, but fail to put into practice – loving others unconditionally.

“A new command I give you:  Love one another.  As I have loved you, so you must love one another.  By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

John 13:34-35 NIV

Jesus didn’t say “love everyone except for those who are different from you” or “love everyone who lives in a way you agree with.”  He said: love as I have loved you.  This is how everyone is supposed to know we are followers of Christ, and isn’t it funny how we are known for almost the opposite?  Christians in this time period seem to be known for exclusion, for hate, and for intolerance.

If I wasn’t a Christian and lived a lifestyle many Christians did not support, there is no way I would want to be apart of a group who looked down upon me or told me I was going to hell for my choices.  You most certainly don’t have to agree with someone’s choices or lifestyle to be kind to them. I honestly don’t really understand how it would feel to think you were in the wrong body and be transgender or how exactly to look at it from a Biblical perspective.  What I do know is that I am not supposed to be tearing people down with my words and imposing judgment upon them.

I don’t think when Jesus went off by himself to pray he was saying, “God, I’m just not sure if I should love this specific group of people.  They just seem too bad, too far gone.  And if I hang out with them it could mean I agree with them.  And I just don’t think I can do that to my reputation.”  Instead he intentionally sought out the people that were the most overlooked, the dirt of society, the broken.  He showed them compassion and that compassion is what changed them forever.

No one on this planet spends a day without sinning and most of the time we hardly even think of it as sin – telling a white lie, thinking something bad about someone, wanting something we don’t have.  We put emphasis on things that we are uncomfortable with or are considered more immoral in our society – killing, adultery, homosexuality, etc.  All sin is equal – we are just as bad as everyone else.  As Jesus said:  “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her” (John 8:7).  This does not mean it is encouraged to lead a life of sin because we are all bad anyway, but that we should be compelled by grace and compassion to leave that life behind and help others do the same.

I am sorry to anyone who has ever been hurt the words or actions of Christians who have yet to put loving others into practice.  And I am sorry for the many Christians who intentionally love others every day but are overshadowed by the ones who only preach hate.  I have hope that Christians will soon be viewed as a loving, welcoming community as they were intended to be.

How to Love a Human Being

I’ve seen so many articles titled “How to Love a Person Who _______” or “Things You Need to Know Before You Date Someone Who _________.” I think these posts are good in acknowledging ways that people who fit into these various categories may have different or specific needs in relationships.  While this is good, I often find that more than half the list consists of things that I believe every person deserves in a healthy, loving relationship.  With that, here is my guide to loving any human being:

Listen.  Every person wishes to be heard.  Do not converse for the sake of waiting for a split-second of silence in the conversation to insert your own experiences or opinions in.  Get to know what someone likes or dislikes and their small quirks.  Not only does this make them feel good and important, you often learn a lot about who they are and what they value through really listening.  Which leads to…

Know their past.  Have they been in relationships before?  Were they healthy?  What’s their family life like?  Have they lost anyone close to them?  Do they or have they dealt with mental illness?  Knowing the answers to these questions (and many more) will allow you to better understand how to care for this person.  Every person’s past shapes the person they are today.  Various things that have happened in their past may require you to love them in ways that are different than others.  A person who was abused by their ex may be distrusting and initially averse to physical contact.  Someone who grew up in a home where alcohol was an issue may not want to be in situations where alcohol is present.  Your job is to figure out what your significant other needs – asking them directly is a great start if you don’t know what to do.

Make them feel special.  Everybody likes to feel loved and thought of.  It looks different for different people.  A visit at work could make one person’s day, where washing their car unexpectedly could be more meaningful to someone else.  It doesn’t have to be extravagant or costly, but making it personal is the most important thing.

Let them have a life.  No matter what, never be the person that alienates someone from their friends and family.  It is nice to want to spend time with someone, but it is unhealthy to be the only person they rely on.  Let them hang out with their friends, go to the movies with their brother, or spend a weekend away with their coworkers.  They are not yours to hog and if you truly care about them you will give them the freedom (that they already possess) to enjoy having close relationships with other people.

Express decency.  Be honest.  Be loyal.  Be respectful.  It sounds pretty basic but it is easy to mess up these few things that can cause big issues.  You can try as hard as you can to cover up your tracks, but usually the truth comes out and it is a much bigger mess than it would have been if you would have come clean in the beginning, as hard is it can be to do so.

Inspire them to be the best they can be.  Tell them to take the job, go on the trip, run the marathon.  Don’t let them settle for anything short of their dreams and goals – be their personal cheerleader.  Encourage them to try new things, pursue their hobbies, and work hard at everything they do.

When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Keep Going

Sometimes life isn’t going your way.  You relate more to the smiley poop emoji than you do to the dancing girl in the red dress.  Sometimes you’ve really messed up, sometimes it’s bad timing, and sometimes you’re just out of luck.  However your problems got there, you still have a problems to deal with.  It’s very easy to just want to hide from your problems forever in a big comfy scarf and take endless BuzzFeed quizzes hoping if you don’t think about them long enough they will vanish into thin air.  But guys, pro tip: Don’t do that thing.  It doesn’t work.  Although it may be warm and it is very important to find out things like your Harry Potter soulmate (mine is Percy, seriously?!) or your IKEA spirit name, finding out such things probably will not improve the quality of your life (but they are great distractions).

You may be thinking, “Ugh, Kelly I don’t want to read a serious post about dealing with life.  I like it better when you write about random funny junk and make fun of your life. You’re the worst.”  Well buddy boo, I’m the boss of this blog so sorry boutcha I get to write what I want.  Swerve.

But anyways, I definitely don’t deal with all my problems in 100% the best way.  As you may have gathered, I am a person who hates conflict and confrontation and hopes many of my problems will just go away.  But in the past year, I have learned that this may be quite the character flaw and that growing up seems to involve taking care of things you don’t always want to.  So I’m working towards that.  I don’t think I’m quite there, or even really that close.  But it’s a a work in progress.

There are a few things that have definitely helped me on this journey to facing my problems.  One of them is turning to God and giving Him control over my problems.  This is a very easy thing to say to people and it even sounds good on the receiving end but sometimes as a dumb human I like to think I can try to figure out things on my own (fun fact: I suck at it).  Honestly sharing and giving your problems to an all-knowing Creator of the world sounds like a pretty duh thing to do.  But it is also a very hard thing to do sometimes, especially as someone who likes to feel like they have control of their life.  Clinging to that control seems to result in me putting my hands over my ears to anything God is trying to tell me.

Picture this:  you are the pilot of your own life, but you have no experience flying a plane.  You’re carrying all these people in your plane that you can potentially hurt, including yourself.  But you have the option to put the plane on autopilot (aka let God take control).  God is a pro at flying and will direct your plane a whole lot more smoothly than you will.  But sometimes we hit some turbulence and we forget that autopilot even exists because we are too busy panicking.  We press all sorts of wrong buttons and try to steer the plane ourselves.  Inexperienced pilots crash planes and hurt people, especially when things are going wrong.  Let someone better direct your plane. God can handle the big things, the small things, and the silly things.  And the more and more I put my life on autopilot the more I realize how much better and smarter that actually is.

Something that has really stuck with me the past couple weeks is rereading the story of Jesus calming the storm.  Jesus and his disciples are just chilling on a boat in the middle of a lake when a huge storm hits and waves are coming over the boat.  The disciples got really scared and woke up Jesus telling him that they thought they would drown.  His reply was, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” and then proceeds to calm the storm, leaving his disciples somewhat dumbfounded.  The first few times I read this I was kind of frustrated with the disciples wondering how they could be so dumb.  They had seen Jesus performing all sorts of miracles and had clearly caught on that he was not some ordinary guy.  He has rewarded person after person who has shown an ounce of faith.  He has told them how much God loves and cares about them.  How He takes care of even small creatures like birds, and how much more valuable they are and that God would surely take care of them.  And here the disciples are freaking out thinking that Jesus is going to let them fall overboard and drown or just stand by as the boat sank.  It wasn’t until a few weeks ago while reading this I realized I am no better than the disciples.  I know God loves me, values me, and cares about me.  I know what He is capable of.  But I frequently find myself convinced there is no way that my storm could ever be calmed.  I know He can fix any problem I present to Him.  Where I get stuck is acting upon that truth.  I know giving my problem to God is what I should do, and that through a lot of prayer, a solution will come.  It may (and probably will) take time, likely more than I would like.  It may not be the solution I want or one I could ever think of, but I know it will be a good one, the best one.  The timing will be perfect.  And what I lack is complete faith in those things sometimes.  Jesus wasn’t just asking the disciples why they were so afraid, but me as well.

What am I so afraid of?  Why am I holding back from complete surrender?  Sometimes I can answer these questions.  I’m scared that I won’t like what God does.  I’m scared it’s going to be hard.  Uncomfortable.  That it could cause my life to change.  It’s scary just giving your entire life to someone, especially when it feels like it’s falling apart and you are frantically trying to put it back together.  But it shouldn’t be scary, because you know, it’s God.  He’s kind of the best candidate to give it to.  He doesn’t have bad plans for us.  He’s a smart God.  A fair God.   A loving God.  A God who has a plan.  And in knowing that this process gets easier.  But like I said, it’s a work in progress.

Another thing I have learned is when life isn’t going your way you’re probably going to have a lot of feelings about it.  You may be frustrated, angry, confused, sad, or lost.  Sometimes your problems are going to make you feel like a crazy person.  Unfortunately, a lot of the time emotions are hard to control.  Fortunately, your actions are a bit easier to.  Really taking the time to think before you act on any emotion is probably a very good decision.  Acting out of anger is rarely, if ever beneficial.  Sure it feels good to hurt someone who has hurt you, but it doesn’t make anything better and it certainly doesn’t make you a better person.  We live in a world where it is easy and convenient to hide behind a phone, tweet something nasty, or ignore someone just to spite them.  I wish I didn’t live during a time where this was how people communicated and frequently want to throw my phone into a nearby river, but that is another post for another day.

What I have learned is you can control you.  People aren’t going to react how you hope, how you think, and how you would if you were them.  And that’s okay.  You have the power to show kindness to people who may not show that same kindness to you. You have the power to pray for others and to love them despite what they have done, are doing, or will do.  I once was told that forgiveness isn’t a feeling, but a decision.  You can tell yourself all day long that you aren’t ready to forgive someone.  You may never be ready.  Forgive them anyway.  Holding onto hurt is only weighing you down.  Apologize when necessary and even sometimes when it may seem unnecessary.  Admitting when you are wrong is a powerful and brave thing.  It doesn’t make you weak, it makes you strong and mature.  Try to see the situation from another perspective.  Think before you speak/text/tweet/email/communicate in general.  Show compassion.  Turn your hatred into love, and your anger into passion.  Write.  Sing.  Dance.  Eat something and completely ignore the recommended serving size.  Pursue things and people that make you happy.  You can let everything weigh you down or you can get back up and learn to never make the same mistakes you had before.

Romans 8:18 “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”

God gives us the power, wisdom, and the heart to do these things.  And that’s what I’m asking Him for.  I’m putting Him on autopilot.  I’m not sure where He will take me, but I know it’s far better than where I am.  And I’m ready.